- Drunk, loud, good looking leader of obnoxious pack of men
- Predatory. Looking around, checking it out, biding his time
- Arrogant/vain/self absorbed, often sporting a fake orange tan
- Inappropriate facial hair. Overpowering aftershave. Excessive use of hair gel.
- Weird incestuous relationship with sister or other female family member
- Disinterested in anything you have to say
- More concerned by what you think of him than what you think
- Hedging his bets by making casual eye contact with that hot blonde over there while pretending to listen to whatever you're saying
.... You could be on to a winner. Immediately give him your number.
Step 3. Mention to friends that you met someone last night. Try to keep it casual and carefree. Continue to drop him into conversation throughout the day.
Step 4. Secretly obsess while waiting for him to call/text.
Step 5. Obsess. More openly this time.
Step 6. Obsessiveness reaches fever pitch as you frantically look him up on facebook/myspace/google etc. Type questions into search engines such as: how long before he finally calls? I haven't heard from him yet, maybe he's just not that into me? etc etc.
Step 7. Joy oh joy, the text has arrived, a date has been set. Obsessing resumes. What should i wear? What if I can't remember what he looks like? What if I'm not funny/clever/charming enough? What if he doesn't turn up? What if he thought I was someone else? Call friends repeatedly for advice.
Step 8. The date begins. Laugh at all jokes, pretend that the dull, occasionally offensive, often inappropriate conversation isn't a problem. Text regular updates to friends.
Step 9. The date went well, you're now in love. Start to see him regularly. Memorise every conversation and try to find the hidden meaning behind everything he says. Blow it out of all proportion. Always focus on the negative. Seek advice and points of views from all friends. Ignore any and all reasonable/helpful suggestions.
Step 10. Realise fairly early on that this is not a match made in heaven. Not only is he dull, racist, sexist, arrogant, shallow, mean and rude, but also, you hate him. Decide to ignore these facts and instead start secretly planning the wedding. Fall back on old friends jealousy and obsessiveness, begin wondering how you ever existed without him.
Step 11. Lose all sense of perspective. Allow yourself to be controlled, manipulated and walked over. Fight. Blame yourself for everything. Continue to fantasise about a bright future together despite all of your friends and family hating him.
Step 12. Become incapable of thinking/talking about anything other than the man in question. Agonise over emails and text messages. Weep to friends. Consider seeking advice from random strangers on tube. Stop eating and sleeping. Drink excessively. Vow to end relationship. Ignore vow. Repeat steps 8 through 12 until mentally and physically exhausted.
Hopefully by chronicling my dating disasters, history will finally stop repeating itself.
I welcome all questions and comments, particularly from anyone who identifies with any of the above.
Happily marrieds need not respond.
Just kidding.
Sort of.
4 comments:
What a great blog.
I couldn't decide weather to laugh or cry. Knowing this one of my best and oldest friends I just wanted to grag her and tell her everything would be alright.
And I know it will be. Having a 'man fast' has never done anyone harm before so it won't now.
Tell your self every day how amazing you are and how much your friends and family love you.
We are all here when ever you need us. We'll listen we'll give advise and if you are being an idiot we'll tell you!
remember if it doesn't work out with men it is the 21st centry you could always turn gay.
Only joking
;)
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I am sure your words echo the experiences of many, I can certainly relate.
They all sounded like wankers anyway :o)
Crumbs.
The problem with most women (aside from periods, mood swings and an unhealthy obsession with Heat magazine) is that you are suckers for the marketing schpiel us men spin about ourselves. If he's an alpha male then you may as well drop your keys off in his wallet at the start of the night and tell him where the bathroom is before you even start talking to him: it's almost that easy.
I've never understand why women fall for 'bad' guys, but I heard a great theory once. Essentially, us human beings are animals and in the animal kingdom the females only have two aims: survival and replication. So, to fulfil those two ambitions, women seek guys who can support those aims.
Bad guys aid survival because they are mean, aggressive and demanding. They may be thuggish or loutish, but that's a strong trait that says to women 'I'll stand up for you'.
It's the same principle when it comes to replication. Bad guys are mean and aggressive, suggesting virility. It's all subconcious.
I'm thinking maybe I should be a bit more 'bad'. I currently occupy a middle ground between nice and nasty. If women like bastards and I like women, then it's a logical solution...
Don't do it love! Stop now, I felt tired just reading that:) How about not going for the cheesy leader of the pack type and finding someone nice you can bond and talk to and who doesn't treat you like a piee of crpa on his shoe? There are nice guys outthere, you just gotta stop going out with the twats and look around...
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