The Twelve Steps: How to find and seduce Mr Imperfect.

Step 1. Make eye contact with someone, generally in a bar, who is clearly a dick. Signs of this can include:

• Drunk, loud, good looking leader of obnoxious pack of men
• Predatory. Looking around, checking it out, biding his time
• Arrogant/vain/self absorbed, often sporting a fake orange tan
• Inappropriate facial hair. Overpowering aftershave. Excessive use of hair gel.
• Weird incestuous relationship with sister or other female family member

Step 2. He casually saunters over and delivers impossibly cheesy, vomit inducing line. Respond by twiddling hair and giggling in an insanely girlie manner. Allow IQ to drop by at least 50 points. If you are satisfied that he is:

• Disinterested in anything you have to say
• More concerned by what you think of him than what you think
• Hedging his bets by making casual eye contact with that hot blonde over there while pretending to listen to whatever you're saying

.... You could be on to a winner. Immediately give him your number.

Step 3. Mention to friends that you met someone last night. Try to keep it casual and carefree. Continue to drop him into conversation throughout the day.

Step 4. Secretly obsess while waiting for him to call/text.

Step 5. Obsess. More openly this time.

Step 6. Obsessiveness reaches fever pitch as you frantically look him up on facebook/myspace/google etc. Type questions into search engines such as: how long before he finally calls? I haven't heard from him yet, maybe he's just not that into me? etc etc.

Step 7. Joy oh joy, the text has arrived, a date has been set. Obsessing resumes. What should i wear? What if I can't remember what he looks like? What if I'm not funny/clever/charming enough? What if he doesn't turn up? What if he thought I was someone else? Call friends repeatedly for advice.

Step 8. The date begins. Laugh at all jokes, pretend that the dull, occasionally offensive, often inappropriate conversation isn't a problem. Text regular updates to friends.

Step 9. The date went well, you're now in love. Start to see him regularly. Memorise every conversation and try to find the hidden meaning behind everything he says. Blow it out of all proportion. Always focus on the negative. Seek advice and points of views from all friends. Ignore any and all reasonable/helpful suggestions.

Step 10. Realise fairly early on that this is not a match made in heaven. Not only is he dull, racist, sexist, arrogant, shallow, mean and rude, but also, you hate him. Decide to ignore these facts and instead start secretly planning the wedding. Fall back on old friends jealousy and obsessiveness, begin wondering how you ever existed without him.

Step 11. Lose all sense of perspective. Allow yourself to be controlled, manipulated and walked over. Fight. Blame yourself for everything. Continue to fantasise about a bright future together despite all of your friends and family hating him.

Step 12. Become incapable of thinking/talking about anything other than the man in question. Agonise over emails and text messages. Weep to friends. Consider seeking advice from random strangers on tube. Stop eating and sleeping. Drink excessively. Vow to end relationship. Ignore vow. Repeat steps 8 through 12 until mentally and physically exhausted.

Hopefully by chronicling my dating disasters, history will finally stop repeating itself.

I welcome all questions and comments, particularly from anyone who identifies with any of the above.

Happily marrieds need not respond.

Just kidding.

Sort of.